Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
