I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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