Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
a search helicopter?!
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
