she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
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Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
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So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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