Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Less talking, more tequila
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
