Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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