I puked a lego.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
