upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
