apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
