Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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