Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
