just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
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Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
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there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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