saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
