I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
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Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
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i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.