I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy