I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
