And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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