if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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