Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
