Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
