we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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