Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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