Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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