What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I see more hoeing in ur future
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