woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
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Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
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I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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