That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
