and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
