For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
