Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
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I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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