There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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