Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
