Swine flu. Run for my life!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
