I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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