Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
