I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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