Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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