I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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