why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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