I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
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Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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