I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
