sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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