operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
