3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
