Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
