I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He passed out mid-signature
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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