I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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