Ambien. No doubt about it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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