I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
