guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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