Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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