I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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