I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
