it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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