I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
