i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
