and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
